


A Little Bit Alexis: Diamond Smuggling

by musiclily88



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Co-Author, Gen, this is bananas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:29:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24322060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musiclily88/pseuds/musiclily88
Summary: Let's do it
Comments: 6
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

“Okay, David, let’s be real. We’ve all had molly in our glove compartment. It’s not that big a deal.”

-

Alexis met him at a party, because of course, and he was a little nicer than she expected, but not as cute as she would have liked.

Sometimes that happens.

Cut to:

“Um, how fast are we going right now?” she asks, moving her fingers into her palms, knocking one wrist down.

“Hundred-twenty, babe. Why?” he says, hands firm on the steering wheel.

“It’s just that—” she begins, voice rough.

Then she hears sirens. 

“Yeah, um, I was just wondering,” she says, shrugging, moving her hair away from her shoulder.

She’s already forgotten his name, for, like, the seventh time, and she kicks the glove compartment closed with the heel of her Louboutin.

“So, like, I have the feeling this isn’t going to end well?”

He doesn’t answer.

“I’m good under pressure, I assure you.” She gives him a bright smile.


	2. Chapter 2

“I once escaped from a Thai drug lord’s trunk by having sex with him!” 

-

Alexis inhales deeply, closing her eyes and steepling her fingers against her palms. “But it wasn’t, like, fun. It sucked, to be real. I had zero moisturizer, and he was really hairy, but not in a fun way.” She exhales, just as deeply as she inhaled. “Wait, what was the question?”

“I literally didn’t say anything,” David replies.

“We’ve discussed this, David!”

“Have we?”

“We have, and it’s gross.”

“What is happening here?”

“That’s a good question!”

“Wait, what?”

“Exactly,” Alexis acknowledges, nodding.


	3. Chapter 3

“Trapped in a Saudi prince’s palace, trying to get to an embassy.”

-

“It kind of sucked, because we didn’t speak the same language,” Alexis says, pursing her lips and nodding, “but he was like, kind of nice? And cute, of course, but mostly it sucked.”

“You were trapped in his palace?” Mutt asks, ducking his hair behind his ear.

“Yeah, but it was a palace, so, like, it only kind of sucked.”

“Okay.”

“Exactly!” Alexis nods again. “And I found the embassy, like, two days after I thought I would. It was fine.”

“I don’t think I understand.”

“I can start again!”


	4. Chapter 4

"I was taken hostage by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts." // "Negotiating in Arabic." 

-

“I don’t understand why you’re making a big deal about this, David.”

“It’s because it’s a big deal!” David says, throwing his hands up.

“Was it? Was it as big a deal as the time I was taken hostage by Somali pirates, and no one answered my texts?”

“I mean. Probably not?”

“Is it a bigger deal than negotiating in Arabic? Because that was very difficult.”

“I don’t—”

“Yes, I know. I know you don’t.”

Alexis picks up her parfait glass, leaving the Tropical Café with the spoon in her other hand. “David!”

David sighs, and Twyla rounds the corner of the counter. “I’ve got this,” she says, with confidence. “My aunt used to try to fight butterflies, so this makes sense to me.”


	5. Chapter 5

“I drove into the Prada store on Rodeo Drive. In fairness, it did look like the entrance to a parking garage. And I was high at the time.”

-

“It’s like when I first drove my car into that Prada store, the one on Rodeo Drive.”

“Excuse me?” David replies, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Uh, well, it did look like the entrance to a parking garage, duh. And I was high at the time,” she adds, rolling her eyes.

“And are you high right now?”

“Not the point, David!” she says, flipping a bit of her hair.

“Are we sure it’s not?” he asks, turning his head to the side. “Kind of seems like it is.”

“It’s not!”

“Wait, so you are or are not high right now?”

“Yes,” Alexis responds, nodding solemnly. 

“Wait, when did you _first _drive your car into the Prada store?”__

__“I said what I said, David.”_ _

__“But what did you even say?”_ _

__“Exactly,” she says, nodding._ _


	6. Chapter 6

“I was a beard for a very well-known actor, and I get it. It’s uncomfortable.”  
-

“I get it. I was a beard for a very famous actor, okay, it’s uncomfortable to play that role,” Alexis says, sitting on the counter at the Apothecary, looking at her phone.

“That’s your take-away from this situation?” Patrick asks, pursing his lips slightly as he crosses his arms over his chest.

She looks up. “Okay, no, obviously not. What I meant was that it sucks.” She pauses. “It’s like when my Tamagotchi died.”

“You mean _my_ Tamagotchi,” David adds, leaving the back room.

“Not the point, David!” Alexis sighs. “I’m not meant to own a Tamagotchi, and I’m not meant to be a beard, right? So I can’t even imagine what it’s like, like, trying to come out of the closet to your parents.”

Patrick blinks slowly. “That—okay. Right.”

“What I mean is this,” she says, flicking her hair away from her eyes as she moves off of the counter, shoes stomping so hard onto the floor that David winces. She opens her arms invitingly, raising them into the air. “Come here, please,” she says, batting her eyelashes, one hand still clutching her phone.

“I find you a little bit baffling,” Patrick says, moving forward into a hug.

“That’s not the first time I’ve heard that,” Alexis agrees, rubbing his back. “And hey. You’ve got this.” She moves back, shifting her hands to Patrick’s cheeks, one hand still holding her phone. “You’ve got this.”

“Okay,” Patrick says slowly, narrowing his eyes.

“And we’ve got you,” she adds, smiling. “Always.”


	7. Chapter 7

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned, when it comes to love, you can’t let the little things get in your way. Like I once dated this Sultan’s nephew who was forbidden to talk to me or even look at me, and we made it work for like, half a regime change.”  
-

“Okay, Stevie, the thing is, do you like him?” Alexis asks, flouncing down onto the sofa in the lobby of the motel.

“I-I don’t know.”

“Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, and I’ve learned a lot, it’s that you can’t let little things get in your way.”

“…Right.”

“Because, like, I once dated this Sultan’s nephew who was forbidden to talk to me, right?” she adds, pursing her lips.

“…Right.”

“Or even look at me, okay, and we _made it work_ for like half a regime change, Stevie!”

Stevie blinks. “Okay.”

“Exactly!”

“Are you even talking to _me_ right now?” Stevie asks, looking to her left and right.

Alexis nods. “I am if you think I am.”

“What?”

“If you like him, you like him,” Alexis says, tossing her phone to one side. “Like, today marks the longest relationship that I’ve ever voluntarily had with someone.”

“I repeat,” Stevie responds, furrowing her brow. “What?”

“Ted!”

“Yeah, that wasn’t the part I was questioning.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I wasn’t _in_ rehab. I was _at_ rehab visiting Stavros.” // "I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers."

“We couldn’t find you because you were in rehab, Alexis!” Moira crows, throwing one hand above her head, nearly tossing Maureen aside.

“Okay, first off, I wasn’t _in_ rehab, I was visiting Stavros while _he_ was in rehab,” Alexis replies, frowning and tipping her head, flipping her hair out of the way.

“Lasted long,” David says, pulling down the sleeves of his sweater.

“What did?” Alexis asks.

“His time in rehab or your relationship, I don’t know!” David responds, leaving his parents’ motel room to head to his own.

“Okay, no need to be rude, David!” Alexis calls, moving to the mini-fridge, opening it with one hand.

“I’m sorry, there’s no yogurt in there,” Moira says, leaning down slightly, nearly falling over in her stilettos. “I had meant to purchase some, but the grocery was out! What can a mother realistically be expected to do?”

Alexis scoffs. “Keep up! Mom, I mean, I dated all three Hanson brothers during just one summer! Realistically, we can update the shopping list _way_ easier. Come on, mom,” she adds, pulling out a strawberry-flavored yogurt from the from the mini-fridge. “It was right there, okay? And you know what, it’s not that hard to keep up, just like the Hanson brothers kept up with music even during the tough times.”

“Who had tough times?” Johnny asks, entering the room as he takes off one of his cufflinks.

“We all have!” Alexis throws her hands in the air, nearly hitting Johnny with the yogurt cup. “That’s what I’m saying!” She scoffs, storming out of the motel room without shutting the door, only to circle back in. “For instance, I just forgot a spoon.”


End file.
